Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
