how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
