She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I want to be your penis for a week.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
