does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
