just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
