dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
