I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
