Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can you bring me the toilet please
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
