You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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