The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
