New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He's on the porch naked. Help.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
