And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
