I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
