I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
