I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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