It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
