Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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