drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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