I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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