Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
