Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
