My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
