3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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