Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He passed out mid-signature
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
