There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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