miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
