According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
