I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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