The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
