Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
