St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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