The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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