when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
