bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
