i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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