I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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