in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
