I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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