my phone needs a breathalizer
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
