I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize