there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
