I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I need to stop coming to work sober
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
