I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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