So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Found your dick twin last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
