I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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