took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Randomize
