I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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