Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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