Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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