Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I die, sorry about rent.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
