If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
