Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My feet surprised me
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