i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
3pm strippers are depressing
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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