it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wish there were birth control emojis
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You did what with his pubic hair?
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