Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
