I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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