He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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