Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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