evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I could make wine with my vomit
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
