i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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